Someday

Been another good day! It's hard to seem overzealous right now, as Pepper is being a complete handful. I can't wait until she's not a baby anymore. Maybe that's awful, I don't know. I just want to get all this nonsense behind us so we can interact and have fun. I know it won't always be easy, but this has been the longest 3.5 months of my life (how has it only been that long? it feels like years!)

That being said, I myself had a good day. Woke up, pumped, and did G15 Buns & Thighs, and Chest. I made oatmeal (with banana, yay!), and coffee. (I think I'll only elaborate if I vary my ingredients.)

Pepper woke up and we played for awhile. For a snack I had a Clif bar and a piece of Amanda's banana nut bread. I know I can improve this, but I don't want to waste any food. I'm more concerned with calories right now more than anything. The fine-tuning will come later.

Lunch was Sante Fe Chicken soup, a piece of bread, celery/carrots/cucs, a persimmon, and 2 (small) pieces of Grandma's fudge. I was really stressed at this point because Pepper wouldn't go to sleep and was getting really cranky. While I prepared my lunch, I allowed myself to just bite into the fudge and enjoy the immediacy of it (if that makes sense). It totally helped.

For my next snack I had a protein shake. Im discovering how amazingly useful my food scale is. It makes counting calories SOO much easier.

Once Kevin got home, I was determined to go for a run. I felt cooped up. I had all this pent-up frustration and anger and I needed to do something physical to let it out. After screaming into a pillow (seriously), we set out. I haven't been timing our runs, but it was probably 30 minutes, and I ran 80% of it!

For dinner I had the Texas Ranch Soup I made last night, a piece of bread, low salt sweet peas, and another 2 pieces of fudge. I did factor in the calories, and I was okay to eat them. Ill go back to 1 piece tomorrow, assuming Pepper behaves more.

I really cant wait to hire a nanny for a few hours a day. I just need that time away from her. I cant stand second-guessing myself all the time. Working out and eating right has really helped with my PPD, but it just gets so bad when she's insufferable like this. It makes me wonder if it will ever get better. It makes me question why anyone would have more than 1 child. I hate the idea of making her some other poor soul's burden, but I need to do this for both Pepper and myself. I just need to have patience, and know that someday. SOMEDAY. Things will get better. She will be more independent. She will be able to tell me what's wrong. She will sleep in her own room. Kevin and I can have time to love each other again. I will be able to leave the house without her, and do my own thing. I won't have to pump milk. SOMEDAY.