205 lbs

Today started out okay, but my first problem was not getting up right away. After pumping, I lounged in bed next to Kevin, languishing in those minutes before Pepper woke up. Someday I'm gonna have to learn that time is precious, and using it to be lazy isn't worth it!

I had shredded wheat + oatmeal bites for breakfast, with some PB and almond milk. I was still hungry after eating it, but was luckily distracted by the internet to bother getting more. I should have gotten up right after pumping and made oatmeal. It always fills me up really good. I had coffee too, with creamer & sugar. I think I need to give my creamer away and just have sugar. Coffee doesn't have to be sugary to be effective.

After getting a haircut, I came home and had a sandwhich (oatnut, turkey, muenster, lettuce, chiptole mayo), a pickle and some grapes. Where's the veggies??

Things went downhill after meeting a potential babysitter for Pepper. (They were all extremely morbidly obese). We went to the grocery store after, and rather than use what I had JUST seen as motivation, we bought donuts (Kevin wanted some!), chocolate (buy 3 get 1 free! ugh), and cookie dough (it came free with enchilidas). After devouring a krueller, sprinkle & apple fritter donut, I allowed myself to feel guilty. It was there that whole time, but just as I've been doing for years, I shoved it in the background so I could eat my sugar in peace. Just now, I looked to see how many calories I just inhaled. 820. Jesus.

My biggest problem right now is getting a schedule for myself, which is almost fucking impossible with a 3 month old. I feel like I have so many excuses for why I'm not succeeding with my weight loss, and while some are valid, there's really NO excuse for not giving it my all. I worked a sedentary 9 hour job, and worked out for an hour and a half 5 days a week, and I still managed to lose 50lbs.

My goal is making that time for myself. Forcing it to happen. My mom has graciously offered to pay for a babysitter a few hours a day, and I need to capitalize on that. Do what it takes to be myself. Be the athlete I used to be. Drive to the Taylor gym, even tho its a 20-30 min drive, because working out in a big gym is what works for me. Maybe I'll use up for gas. It will be worth it to feel good about myself, finally.

I'm not going to let my failures today keep me from trying to do right by myself. I WILL have veggies with dinner. I'm not going to let Kevin's choices be my own. So what if he wanted donuts. So what if he doesn't like asparagus. I have to be better than that. I have to start making my own decisions, and owning up to them, good and bad.

Here is some inspiration for myself:


This was me at my last progress shot before getting pregnant
JULY 29, 2009


This is me now (gulp)
DEC 9, 2010