Fighting PPD

Today I hid in the tub while sobbing uncontrollably and devouring a King Size Kit Kat bar. Needless to say, it was not a great day.

I woke up feeling exhausted. I practically slept through my pump. I tried to motivate myself and said I'd just do the G15 Core Challenge, but I spent most of it just laying there and wishing I could go back to sleep. I had my oatmeal and coffee.

Pepper woke up and I fed her and played with her for awhile. She started to show signs of hunger pretty quickly, so I fed her again and we both fell asleep. She woke briefly, but I pulled her onto my chest and we slept for maybe an hour and a half? I kept waking up to my stomach growling loudly, but I didnt feel hungry. We got up around 12:15 and I had a Clif bar and banana nut bread slice before trying to get some work done around the house.

I had some unidentifiable candy piece from my Grandma before I pumped again.

For lunch I had an open-face turkey sandwich again, with celery/carrots/cuc and an orange. By this time, Pepper had been okay. I couldnt really leave her alone for long, and it got progressively worse. I was feeling bummed already about skimping on my workout, and her bad behavior was making it worse. (I realize in hindsight that I need to dress the part, as they say. I do so much better on days where I put on my favorite workout gear and sports bra. Then Im ready for anything!! I need to make an effort to always do this.) I ate some peanut brittle to settle my nerves.

By the time Kevin got home, I was miserable. She was crying, I was crying. She was tired but wouldnt sleep. I felt terrible. My PPD was flaring like crazy. I started feeling worthless and like I'd never be happy again, that I'd never get the body I wanted, blah blah blah. Kevin took her right away, and I ran to the kitchen and sobbed into the freezer. I grabbed the Kit Kat bar, a big blanket, and hid in the guest bathroom tub in the dark, crying and eating chocolate. I felt like a cliche, but after eating 440 calories of chocolate, and crying it out, I actually felt a lot better. I excused my poor eating and went back to Kevin and Pepper.

I got hungry awhile later and Kevin made me some leftover Texas Ranch Soup, and a slice of buttered bread. Then he brought me a little vanilla ice cream. I think I was still feeling emotionally unstable. I ate a flour tortilla and a handful of dark chocolate chips. Then I had some chips and salsa. By then my insatiable need to eat ebbed. I KNOW Im an emotional eater, and I plan to fix that, but I allowed myself that moment of weakness. I even took off my bodybugg, and didn't really bother to track my calories.

I do feel better now. I've been dealing with a plugged duct since last night, so a lot of things converged to kind of make a shitty day. But Im meeting with a potential babysitter tomorrow who would be watching Pepper for 3-4 hours a day, so Im extremely excited for that.