Fighting PPD

Today I hid in the tub while sobbing uncontrollably and devouring a King Size Kit Kat bar. Needless to say, it was not a great day.

I woke up feeling exhausted. I practically slept through my pump. I tried to motivate myself and said I'd just do the G15 Core Challenge, but I spent most of it just laying there and wishing I could go back to sleep. I had my oatmeal and coffee.

Pepper woke up and I fed her and played with her for awhile. She started to show signs of hunger pretty quickly, so I fed her again and we both fell asleep. She woke briefly, but I pulled her onto my chest and we slept for maybe an hour and a half? I kept waking up to my stomach growling loudly, but I didnt feel hungry. We got up around 12:15 and I had a Clif bar and banana nut bread slice before trying to get some work done around the house.

I had some unidentifiable candy piece from my Grandma before I pumped again.

For lunch I had an open-face turkey sandwich again, with celery/carrots/cuc and an orange. By this time, Pepper had been okay. I couldnt really leave her alone for long, and it got progressively worse. I was feeling bummed already about skimping on my workout, and her bad behavior was making it worse. (I realize in hindsight that I need to dress the part, as they say. I do so much better on days where I put on my favorite workout gear and sports bra. Then Im ready for anything!! I need to make an effort to always do this.) I ate some peanut brittle to settle my nerves.

By the time Kevin got home, I was miserable. She was crying, I was crying. She was tired but wouldnt sleep. I felt terrible. My PPD was flaring like crazy. I started feeling worthless and like I'd never be happy again, that I'd never get the body I wanted, blah blah blah. Kevin took her right away, and I ran to the kitchen and sobbed into the freezer. I grabbed the Kit Kat bar, a big blanket, and hid in the guest bathroom tub in the dark, crying and eating chocolate. I felt like a cliche, but after eating 440 calories of chocolate, and crying it out, I actually felt a lot better. I excused my poor eating and went back to Kevin and Pepper.

I got hungry awhile later and Kevin made me some leftover Texas Ranch Soup, and a slice of buttered bread. Then he brought me a little vanilla ice cream. I think I was still feeling emotionally unstable. I ate a flour tortilla and a handful of dark chocolate chips. Then I had some chips and salsa. By then my insatiable need to eat ebbed. I KNOW Im an emotional eater, and I plan to fix that, but I allowed myself that moment of weakness. I even took off my bodybugg, and didn't really bother to track my calories.

I do feel better now. I've been dealing with a plugged duct since last night, so a lot of things converged to kind of make a shitty day. But Im meeting with a potential babysitter tomorrow who would be watching Pepper for 3-4 hours a day, so Im extremely excited for that.

Anxious

Another good day! I want to sound more enthusiastic, but I feel kind of crappy at the moment. Not sure what it is. Feels like anxiety, but I don't know why I feel anxious. I had some fudge after dinner, and I wonder if it spiked my blood sugar? I really hope I'm not dealing with blood sugar issues now. I hate questioning myself. I want to feel good, and I don't know if it's something I'm eating, if I'm not eating enough, if I'm just stressed from being a mommy, ugh.

Anyway, I woke up and pumped, then Pepper woke up right away. I fed her and by the time I got her back to her crib, I was ready for breakfast. So I had oatmeal and coffee, and puttered around until she was up.

I didn't get hungry for a long time. I finally ate around 12:30, and had a Clif bar and banana walnut bread slice. Pepper went down for a 15 minute nap or so, and I was able to squeeze in G15 Warmup & Core Basics.

Again, I didnt get hungry for awhile after that. I had an open-face turkey sandwich (I swear that chipotle mayo is SO good), veggies, a persimmon (Im out now :( and theyre like $1.50 each!) and a piece of fudge, both before and after. I need to cut the fudge habit.

I went for a run with Pepper hoping she'd sleep, as she hadn't slept hardly at all. She didnt nap, but I had a good run. Once home I made a protein shake, and finished it right around when Kevin came home.

I didn't eat again until around 8. I just was never very hungry today, it was strange. I had 4oz of fajita meat, a slice of bread, sweet peas and fudge.

I want to feel like I did last week. I had so much energy, and I was just happy and excited. I don't know why I feel like crap this week. I know Pepper was acting better last week, maybe that's it. It's hard to be in control of your happiness when there's someone constantly trying to sabotage it, haha. I'm a huge fan of routine when I'm feeling down, so I think I need to focus on that. That will be my goal for next week.

Someday

Been another good day! It's hard to seem overzealous right now, as Pepper is being a complete handful. I can't wait until she's not a baby anymore. Maybe that's awful, I don't know. I just want to get all this nonsense behind us so we can interact and have fun. I know it won't always be easy, but this has been the longest 3.5 months of my life (how has it only been that long? it feels like years!)

That being said, I myself had a good day. Woke up, pumped, and did G15 Buns & Thighs, and Chest. I made oatmeal (with banana, yay!), and coffee. (I think I'll only elaborate if I vary my ingredients.)

Pepper woke up and we played for awhile. For a snack I had a Clif bar and a piece of Amanda's banana nut bread. I know I can improve this, but I don't want to waste any food. I'm more concerned with calories right now more than anything. The fine-tuning will come later.

Lunch was Sante Fe Chicken soup, a piece of bread, celery/carrots/cucs, a persimmon, and 2 (small) pieces of Grandma's fudge. I was really stressed at this point because Pepper wouldn't go to sleep and was getting really cranky. While I prepared my lunch, I allowed myself to just bite into the fudge and enjoy the immediacy of it (if that makes sense). It totally helped.

For my next snack I had a protein shake. Im discovering how amazingly useful my food scale is. It makes counting calories SOO much easier.

Once Kevin got home, I was determined to go for a run. I felt cooped up. I had all this pent-up frustration and anger and I needed to do something physical to let it out. After screaming into a pillow (seriously), we set out. I haven't been timing our runs, but it was probably 30 minutes, and I ran 80% of it!

For dinner I had the Texas Ranch Soup I made last night, a piece of bread, low salt sweet peas, and another 2 pieces of fudge. I did factor in the calories, and I was okay to eat them. Ill go back to 1 piece tomorrow, assuming Pepper behaves more.

I really cant wait to hire a nanny for a few hours a day. I just need that time away from her. I cant stand second-guessing myself all the time. Working out and eating right has really helped with my PPD, but it just gets so bad when she's insufferable like this. It makes me wonder if it will ever get better. It makes me question why anyone would have more than 1 child. I hate the idea of making her some other poor soul's burden, but I need to do this for both Pepper and myself. I just need to have patience, and know that someday. SOMEDAY. Things will get better. She will be more independent. She will be able to tell me what's wrong. She will sleep in her own room. Kevin and I can have time to love each other again. I will be able to leave the house without her, and do my own thing. I won't have to pump milk. SOMEDAY.

A Fresh Start

Had a great day! Kevin stayed home from work, and it was tempting to stay in bed with him. But I got up, pumped, and did G15 Hips & Thighs, & Arms.

Had oatmeal for breakfast, but we were out of bananas!! I was bummed, but didn't want to waste another batch, so I just ate them without, and had a few dark chocolate chips on it instead. Plus coffee! (1.5tbsp sugar)

We wanted to go to the grocery store, but first I had a hard-boiled egg, 1/2 an apple and 1oz raw almonds. I think the eggs might be going bad tho, as I started to feel icky by the time we got home.

For lunch I had a chicken sandwich (muenster cheese, chipotle mayo (that stuff is addicting!), mustard, chicken breast, lettuce), some celery, carrots, cucumber and most of an orange. For dessert I had a Grandma truffle.

A few hours later I had a Clif bar, and a slice of Amanda's homemade banana nut bread. Before our run, I had a cup of coffee (3 packets of splenda, acquired from grocery store trip!), and a bowl of oatmeal squares.

We had to cut our run short because I had to pump. I recently switched to 4x a day in an effort to cut back my output a little (were running out of freezer room!), and we're still working around the new schedule. Once done, we made dinner. Kevin made fajitas while I made some texas southwest chicken soup for leftovers. For dinner I had 1 fajita burrito (flour tortilla, avocado, sour cream, shredded cheese, 4oz fajita meat) plus 9 chips dipped in salsa. For dessert I had one of Grandma's sugar cookies.

I kept feeling weird throughout the day, like my blood sugar was out of whack. I guess I shouldn't be surprised with how stupid I ate over the weekend, but I hope it doesn't persist. I want to feel fresh and strong. I just gotta keep at it!! I'm looking forward to another awesome day tomorrow!!

Ready for the New Week

I'm so ready for this new week. Where I'm in my element, and I can get back into my groove.

Today was another bleh day. Not nearly as bad as it was the previous day. For breakfast, I had every intention of making oats. I had the oats and milk in the pot, but when I realized there was no bananas, I couldn't do it. Banana-less oats are just yuck!! So I had Corn Pops with some PB, and a frappucino.

Shortly after I was hungry again and had a turkey/ham sandwich with mayo, mustard and cheese. On the side I meant to have carrots, celery and apples slices, but they all tasted like they'd been there for ages, and I couldn't eat them. I did have a bread roll, and a cookie.

Before we left, I had half a Pop-Tart, another bread roll, and a Reese's Christmas Tree thing.

We got hungry on the road, and stopped at a McDonald's. I had an angus swiss & mushroom (it was actually super good), and shared some fries with Kevin. I also had a cafe latte thing.

Once home, I had another Pop Tart, then for dinner had Chicken Gumbo soup with a slice of WW bread and 2 banana walnut slices of bread. For dessert I had a cookie and truffle.

At the very least, I don't feel horribly bloated and disgusting. But I really do look forward to tomorrow and the fresh start it will give me. I'm excited to have an incredible day, and writing all about it!!

Good Intentions

Another day starting with good intentions.

I went to bed saying I was going to have oatmeal for breakfast, but come morning, I think I was dehydrated, and was craving cereal with milk. I had Special K blueberry (wish I had portioned it out, I just had a huge bowl), and a glass of ovaltine.

Luckily, Barbara had stashed away all the goodies normally on the counter so they could set up for the big Christmas meal, so I wasn't tempted. I did have half of a Clif bar beforehand.

For lunch I had:

-3 slices ham
-1 biscuit
-1 deviled egg
-1/2 corn on the cob
-few bites of noodles
-2 servings of stuffing
-1 serving yams
-slice of pumpkin pie
-3 bites of cupcake
-Half can of coke

We took a nap after that, and when I woke up, I wasn't hungry, but I felt like eating. I had a frappucino, a pop tart, a lunchbag size doritos and a cookie.

I think one of my biggest problems with being around such a large variety of food is that I want to sample it all, and I feel anxious to feel hungry again so I can eat. But because I eat so much, it takes forever to get hungry again, so I just eat anyway.

Then we went to the Pine St house. Jeremy brought out our annual Christmas popcorn tin, so I snacked on cheese and caramel popcorn. I also found the baggie of goodies I took from Krissi's party, and had 2 PB cookies, a choco cookie and a lemon tart thingie. I also had 2 cups of coffee with too much sugar and cream. Jeez, writing all this out is awful.

I started to feel shaky from the sugar, so I asked what we were eating for dinner. Jeremy made General Tso's chicken and mini egg rolls. I had 5 of those, and probably a serving of General Tso's.

Once we got back home, I chugged down 2.5 bottles of water. I started to feel shaky again, so I had half of a Clif protein bar.

Again, I feel bloated and awful. I just can't be around this stuff. There's only so much willpower I can exercise. I really need to make a game plan for myself. Maybe I can put a pad of paper in the kitchen and write down everything I eat when I come here. Because writing it now shows me just how many hundreds of extra calories I'm consuming, but when I do it mindlessly, I'm in the dark.

Here is my goal for tomorrow: Make oatmeal for breakfast, and 1 cup of coffee. Then I will put on my exercise gear and go for a walk with Pepper. For lunch I WILL HAVE:

Turkey sandwich on white bread (no wheat, sadly), with mustard and cheese. On the side I'll have apple slices, celery and carrots, and IF I do good, I can have ONE cookie.

For the ride home I will pack a snack, maybe another sandwich. When we get home, I WILL make a healthy dinner. Maybe a soup with a slice of bread. What I'm NOT going to do is eat mindlessly and make myself feel terrible!!!!

Relapse

Well, today was pretty much a bust. And Im feeling the effects of it, sadly.

We woke up around 9ish, and Kevin's mom made us waffles, bacon, sausage, toast and eggs. I had w waffles (with syrup), 2 toast (buttered), 2 bacon, 1 sausage and 1 egg, and coffee. (I didnt have a measuring spoon, so I did my best to estimate 1.5tbsp sugar). Then I started feeling sorry for myself. I can't believe what a huge difference food and exercise makes on my mood.

I put on some regular clothes and felt gross and awkward in them (bloated, I'm sure.) I sat there moping until I finally said "do what you know is going to make you feel better." So I got up and put on workout clothes. I instantly felt better. Then I got Pepper all strapped into her stroller, and we sorta walk/jogged around the big yard a few times. I didn't break much of a sweat, but it was nice to get out.

I went with Barbara to the grocery store and she got me soymilk, clif bars and some museli (I cant believe Vidor carries Bob's Red Mill and Elgin doesnt, ugh!). I was hungry when we got back. Yesterday I had blended my protein shake and brought it in the car, then put it in the fridge here. So I took that out to drink, but it tasted awful!! So I chucked it. Luckily, I still had the other half of that turkey sandwich from Starbucks, so I had that, some sliced apples, a frappucino and a cookie.

I felt pretty good about that, until I went into the kitchen to help Barbara make stuffing and turkey, and had another cookie. And ... another. I quickly grabbed a water to sip on to keep myself from snacking. That was doing the trick, right up until Jeremy and Kim came over. I realize now that I must be a social eater. or at least that seeing others eating unhealthy, and being around it, encourages me to do it. I wasn't hungry whatsoever, but I ate another cookie, some of a turkey deli sandwich, and some doritos.

A few hours later we headed to Krissi's for the Christmas Eve party. Of course there was tons of food. Here's a list of what I ate:

-3 triangles of chicken/cheese quesadilla
-3 chocolate chip cookies
-1 PB cookie
-1 brownie square
-6 lemon cakey things (looked like quiches)
-4 bacon-wrapped mini-sausages
-1 mini-sausage
-A few bites of various appetizers
-1 bite of key lime pie
-1/2 can root beer

This was throughout the few hours we were there, but still. It's a ton of food. I was too distracted to actually savor them and eat less. It's definitely a skill I need to work on.

So now we're back to Barbara's, and I feel just GROSS. I'm exhausted and feel greasy and bloated. It's incredible how just a few days of clean eating really changes you. I really need to get a game plan together for when we come to visit. Nothing is going to change here, so I need to make the effort. If it means constantly chewing on gum, so be it. It's not fair to keep doing this to myself, and it's never worth it! Food is so temporary, and then the pleasure of it is gone in an instant. So we keep eating to keep experiencing it. It's just stupid.

Tomorrow I will tell Barbara that I'm making myself oatmeal. And I brought protein powder, and will have that as a snack. I need to do what I know will make me feel the best!!

Recovery

I meant to post last night, but after the commotion of finally getting to Vidor, it sort of slipped my mind.

so, Ill write as tho it was still Thurs:

The day started good. Kevin was off for the holiday, so I was tempted to sleep in, but I got up, pumped and exercised. I was incredibly sore from my workout with Amanda, so I did G15 (Warmup & Cooldown) just to get my muscles stretched out. I really don't think I'm ready for the level of intensity Amanda wants. It's not that I can't do it, but I don't want to feel like I did that morning. Like I was so sore I didn't even want to exercise. what I'm doing now is working for me, and I'm going to go at my own pace.

After my workout, I had oatmeal (same as yesterday) and coffee (1.5tbsp sugar). We started packing right away and when I started to get hungry, I had a boiled egg, 1oz raw almonds and half an apple.

I got hungry again pretty quick, but had decided already to go to Subway for the trip. I got a 6inch turkey on wheat, no cheese (cucumber, olives, pickles, onions, banana peppers). I splurged and asked them to put chipotle sauce on it (and mustard), but I regretted it because I couldn't even taste it. Waste of calories! I also had a pack of their apple slices, and a cookie.

About an hour and a half into the trip, I wasn't feeling great. I was exhausted and starving, which confused me. My logic was that I had worked my muscles hardcore, and only slept about 6 hours. My body hadn't recovered yet, and it was needing sleep and calories to repair. So we stopped at a Starbucks and I got a grande caramel macchiato, and a turkey sandwich (ww bread, turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce & mustard). I only ate half. I felt a LOT better after that.

Once we got to Vidor, it was about 5:00 or so, and was RAVENOUS. My willpower instantly snapped when I walked into the kitchen. As always, Mama Hobbs had candy and junk food everywhere, but she had my favorite out and open: white powder donuts. So I snacked on a couple, then had a few bites of a twisty donut. I drank some water, and she said she was going to make some pizzas. I grabbed and ding dong and ran away from the kitchen. I felt awful.

Once pizza was done, I had 3 slices (they were fairly small), and 1 cheese stick. I had a couple more powder donuts, and called it a night. I felt terrible, both physically and emotionally. But, I felt I had gotten the junk food craving out of my system.

All-in-all it was an okay day. I didn't exercise much, but I think my body needed that short break. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more successful day!!

More Awesomeness

Had another amazing day. Woke up with Kevin and pumped, then did G15 Cardio Basic & Shoulders. I love working shoulders because I think sexy arms are the BEST. For breakfast I had oatmeal (oats, soymilk, 1/2 banana, 2tbsp pumpkin, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla extract, 1tbsp PB) and coffee (only 1.5tbsp sugar today!). I really want to get some chia seeds for my oatmeal. They'll add some calories, but the benefits would be great!

I had plans to workout with Amanda, so after Pepper woke up around 8:30, I fed her, changed her, and we headed out. I guess the power had gone out earlier, and it was on by the time I go there, but she had sent the child care worker home. We just sat the kids in the child care room with a movie on, and said we'd do as much as we could. We did a full minute of each exercise (will add exercises later when she emails them to me). There was a lot of jumping and moving around involved, and while my awesome Enell sports bra kept everything in, I felt really awkward. I weigh 200lbs, and throwing all that weight around isn't pretty. It was made worse by being in front of a mirror (and next to a super skinny gal!). Amanda only made us do a few more, then switched us to a heavy arm workout:

x2
Alternating shoulder press (10lb)
Inner bicep curl into outer bicep curl (10lb)
Kickbacks (5lb)

x2
Concentrated bicep curls (10lb)
Shoulder pulls (3lb)
Dips (20)

Once I got home, I was RAVENOUS, as it was nearly noon. I had a protein shake (whey choco powder, soymilk, 1/2 banana, 1/2cup blueberry/strawberry, 1tbsp PB). But I got hungry again pretty quick, and went ahead and had my lunch (santa fe chicken soup, slice of ww bread, celery, carrots) and a little truffle from my Grandma for dessert!

I didn't eat again until Kevin got home, which was perfect! I had 1oz raw almonds, a boiled egg, 1/2 apple and a coffee (1/2tbsp sugar). Then we went for our walk/jog. We didn't go for as long today because my body was exhausted! My legs felt like lead, haha. But I ran anyway!!

For dinner, I went ahead and had my ww spaghetti with sauce again, with 1/2cup asparagus and a slice of ww bread. For dessert I had a truffle AND a small cookie. I savored them both. We ate kind of early since we cut our run short, and I'm getting hungry again, so I went ahead and added another snack to my counter: ww bread w/ 1tbsp PB. Here are my (awesome!) stats for the day:



Those calories burned don't even include milk calories, which is pretty awesome!! I feel great for doing right by myself, and making the right choices!! Here's to having another awesome day tomorrow!

Amazing Day

I had an absolutely incredibly day. I feel so very accomplished, and I want to feel this way EVERY DAY. Last night I logged my meals for today, so that I had something to follow, and knew exactly how many calories I was going to get. This worked out great for me!

I got up to Pepper crying around 5:50am so I fed her and got her back to sleep before pumping. It was 7:30 before I was done, which made it tempting to skip right to breakfast cuz I was hungry. But I put on my workout gear and did G15 Cardio Challenge + Shoulders. For breakfast I had oatmeal (oats, water, almond milk, 1/2 banana, pumpkin, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla extract + 1tbsp PB), and coffee. I made a deal with myself that if I cut out creamer, I could have 2 tbsp of sugar. I'll eventually whittle that down!

For my morning snack I had a boiled egg, 1oz of raw almonds and 1/2 an apple. I spent most of the day playing with Pepper and trying to get her to nap! I got hungry again around 12:45 and had some santa fey chicken soup, a slice of bread, celery, carrots and an orange. The soup was awesome!! For dessert I had one piece of kit kat.

I got hungry soon after that, but held off until around 3:00 before having a protein shake (soymilk, ON chocolate whey, 1 tbsp PB, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries/strawberries and 1/2 banana). It was like dessert, it was so yummy!! I think that's my favorite part of clean eating, is that healthy food starts to taste SO good.

Kevin got home, and before our run I had 1oz raw almonds, 1/2 apple and a cup of coffee (2tbsp sugar). Ive been running for longer and longer periods of time. I havent timed it out yet, but I keep pushing myself. Once we got home, I made whole wheat spaghetti with sauce, a slice of bread, and 1/2 cup asparagus. As I was cooking, I was telling Kevin how good I felt, and how practicing willpower is really empowering. He made cookies for a pot luck tomorrow, and I didn't have a single one. Just as I was finishing talking about willpower, I opened the packages that came in the mail, and lo and behold, my Grandma had sent her annual goodie bag!!! Fudge, peanut brittle, cookies, brownies, truffles. SO MUCH. I just had to laugh. I immediately put them in tupperware and stuck them in the freezer.

I ate dinner, pumped, then allowed myself one of her cookies (Sooo good). Really savoring it makes it so much better than gobbling them down. It feels good to be in control. Once I plugged my bodybugg in, I was SO happy to see that I had met nearly every goal. I plugged it in around 7:30, so the calories for the rest of the day aren't included, but I'm still doing great!!! Here's a snapshot:




Considering it can't register the extra calories I make from pumping, Im doing REALLY good, haha. Tomorrow I'm going to meet Amanda in the morning to workout together. She said, and I quote, "It's going to be a cardio blaster to burn lots of calories before the BIG feast!" Yikes!! Haha.

205 lbs

Today was actually a great day. I got up after pumping and did Gilad's 15 express workouts (G15): Warm Up & Chest.

I had planned on hitting the gym later, so I didn't do as much as I normally would have. For breakfast I had oatmeal with a little protein powder and DUN DUN DUN, NO chocolate chips! Plus some coffee (creamer & sugar).

I got hungry again a few hours later after Pepper woke up and had a Fage with honey, PB & oatmeal squares. I really liked having the oatmeal squares, but I don't think PB is necessary. Honey probably isn't either, but one step at a time.

Lunch time I had a turkey/muenster/lettuce/chipotle mayo/mustard sandwich with an orange/celery/carrots. For dessert, I had 1 bar of Kit Kat. (as in 1 of the 4 bars on a Kit Kat). I liked having a treat, and will probably go back to having a square of super dark chocolate, even tho its a little more expensive.

I had an errand to run, and packed a baggie of raw almonds/dark choco chips, which I ate on the way back. That didn't really fill me, so once we got home I had a PB granola bar and half a banana.

Once Kevin got home, I had half an apple and a coffee (creamer & sugar), and we set out for a walk/jog, which was great. I had just gotten my Enell sports bra in, and I got to test it out (no more pain!). Now if only I could get my butt to stop jiggling, haha. We did about 35 minutes? I ran about 45% of it, I'd say. I run a little more each day. I want to get into the habit of this every day when Kevin gets home.

Dinner wasn't great (both in taste and nutritional value). When we had gone to HEB yesterday, Kevin got a chicken enchilada kit that came with free cookie dough. We made the enchiladas, and I had 1.5. Then Kevin decided to bake the last of our eggrolls. I really should have said no and had a veggie instead :/ For dessert, I had 1 bar of Kit Kat.

I feel okay now, but its only about 9. I worry I'll get hungry again, but I'll have some water or gum! All-in-all I ate about 2989 calories (my goal was 2300-2500*). More than I wanted, but I'm making progress. If this is me trying, I can only imagine how many calories I was mindlessly eating before.


One thing Im VERY proud of today was every time I opened the fridge, that cookie dough was right there. I resisted the temptation to eat a glob of it throughout the day. I also refrained from throwing some chocolate chips in my mouth while waiting for other food to be ready. Woo!!


Tomorrow, I want to focus on reducing my calories. I tend to rely on carbs to fill me up, but I should really focus on protein! If I get time tonight, I'm going to boil some eggs! I'm also going to eliminate creamer from my coffee, and I'm only going to have PB with my oatmeal. Also, if I do make a sandwich, I think I should go back to open-face. 200 calories for bread seems a little excessive!!

*Figuring out how many calories to eat is really frustrating. I know I need at LEAST 500 extra calories for breast milk. But it takes about 20 calories to make 1oz, so when I make 44oz, that's around 880 calories. My bodybugg said I burned 2459 calories today, but it gauges my calories burned by my muscles, and can't incorporate boob milk making. How much of that 880 is accounted for? If I do the straight math, then I had a 350 calorie deficit. If not, I had a 476 calorie surplus! Ugh.

My List

This is going to be an ongoing list of the things I am really looking forward to as I get skinnier!

- Breast reduction
- Wearing shorts
- Being able to shop at practically ANY store in the mall
- SKINNY JEANS
- And impossibly full closet of things that I love and look good on me
- Running without carrying 50+ extra pounds on me
- Having Pepper think I'm a Super Mommy
- Focus on toning instead of weight loss
- Longer hair (I figure by the time Ive lost the weight, my hair will have finally grown out!)
- Respect from others (whether imagined or not, it's feeling as though I'm worthy of their respect)
- Being able to feel superior (hey, not gonna lie)
- Look fabulous in a bikini
- Sit with my legs pulled up comfortably
- Looking down and seeing my lap instead of my spare tire
- HAVING NOTICEABLE ABS
- Look amazing in jeans
- Have more energy, even on 6 hours of sleep

205 lbs

Today started out okay, but my first problem was not getting up right away. After pumping, I lounged in bed next to Kevin, languishing in those minutes before Pepper woke up. Someday I'm gonna have to learn that time is precious, and using it to be lazy isn't worth it!

I had shredded wheat + oatmeal bites for breakfast, with some PB and almond milk. I was still hungry after eating it, but was luckily distracted by the internet to bother getting more. I should have gotten up right after pumping and made oatmeal. It always fills me up really good. I had coffee too, with creamer & sugar. I think I need to give my creamer away and just have sugar. Coffee doesn't have to be sugary to be effective.

After getting a haircut, I came home and had a sandwhich (oatnut, turkey, muenster, lettuce, chiptole mayo), a pickle and some grapes. Where's the veggies??

Things went downhill after meeting a potential babysitter for Pepper. (They were all extremely morbidly obese). We went to the grocery store after, and rather than use what I had JUST seen as motivation, we bought donuts (Kevin wanted some!), chocolate (buy 3 get 1 free! ugh), and cookie dough (it came free with enchilidas). After devouring a krueller, sprinkle & apple fritter donut, I allowed myself to feel guilty. It was there that whole time, but just as I've been doing for years, I shoved it in the background so I could eat my sugar in peace. Just now, I looked to see how many calories I just inhaled. 820. Jesus.

My biggest problem right now is getting a schedule for myself, which is almost fucking impossible with a 3 month old. I feel like I have so many excuses for why I'm not succeeding with my weight loss, and while some are valid, there's really NO excuse for not giving it my all. I worked a sedentary 9 hour job, and worked out for an hour and a half 5 days a week, and I still managed to lose 50lbs.

My goal is making that time for myself. Forcing it to happen. My mom has graciously offered to pay for a babysitter a few hours a day, and I need to capitalize on that. Do what it takes to be myself. Be the athlete I used to be. Drive to the Taylor gym, even tho its a 20-30 min drive, because working out in a big gym is what works for me. Maybe I'll use up for gas. It will be worth it to feel good about myself, finally.

I'm not going to let my failures today keep me from trying to do right by myself. I WILL have veggies with dinner. I'm not going to let Kevin's choices be my own. So what if he wanted donuts. So what if he doesn't like asparagus. I have to be better than that. I have to start making my own decisions, and owning up to them, good and bad.

Here is some inspiration for myself:


This was me at my last progress shot before getting pregnant
JULY 29, 2009


This is me now (gulp)
DEC 9, 2010